This guy will never get a date.

This guy’s tan is…..gross!

From the soon to be published - Being Single, The Truth, The Real Truth!

Chapter 2 - Online Dating brings High-Tech Love right to your computer screen

I am a busy middle-aged man with two children and a demanding work-at-home job. What better way for me to find love that the new and improved high-tech way, online dating?

I can date available women from all over the world in my underwear from the comfort of my own home! Wow, what a concept!! Now I just need to choose the right dating service, let’s see, women of Russia? No, too far away, and some might still be commies! Women of Africa? Too far away and I might be a little afraid of some of their tribal customs. Get a date tonight with local single women? Now that sounds right, but they are all blond bombshells and it costs $5.00 per minute, something else must be going on here. Wait now I have hit the jackpot, Laba Life the place where disconcerting singles meet. I had no idea if I was disconcerting but to list my profile was free and it only took two hours to complete the survey questions!

Loved this unique way of getting your phone number out there.

Here is a list of internet dating terms and what they really mean (what a man writes and what it really means)

“40-ish”: Over 50 and looking for a 25 year-old
“Athletic”: Watches a lot of sports on TV
“Average looking”: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
“Educated”: Will patronize you all the time
“Free Spirit”: Will bang anything that moves
“Friendship first”: As long as friendship involves sex
“Good looking”: Arrogant
“Very good looking”: Dumb as a board
“Honest”: Pathological Liar
“Huggable”: Overweight and hairy like a bear
“Likes to cuddle”: Insecure mama’s boy
“Mature”: Older than your father
“Open-minded”: Wants to have threesomes with your friends
“Physically fit”: Does a lot of beer can curls
“Poet”: Wrote ex-girlfriend’s phone number on a bathroom stall
“Sensitive”: Cries if you want him to go see a chick flick
“Very sensitive”: Gay, just wants to procreate
“Spiritual”: Got laid in a cemetery once
“Stable”: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
“Thoughtful”: Says “Excuse me” when he farts

I actually heard these ones following the Nuera Network on Twitter and my friend at Nuera Blog hooked me up there.

Here are some dating terms and what they really mean: (what a woman writes and what it really means)

“40-ish”: 49 years old
“Adventurer”: Slept around a lot
“Athletic”: Flat chest
“Average looking”: Has a face like a bull dog
“Beautiful”: Pathological liar
“Contagious Smile”: Does a lot of ecstasy
“Educated”: Bitchy know-it-all
“Emotionally Secure”: Heavily medicated
“Feminist”: Lesbian just looking to procreate
“Free Spirit”: Junkie
“Friendship first”: Trying to live down reputation as a slut
“Fun”: Annoying
“New-Age”: Lots of body hair
“Old-fashioned”: Lights out, missionary position only
“Open-minded”: Desperate
“Outgoing”: Loud and abnoxious
“Passionate”: Sloppy drunk
“Poet”: Depressive schizophrenic
“Reubenesque”: Fat
“Romantic”: Looks good only in candle light
“Social”: Has been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray
“Voluptuous”: Very fat
“Wants Soulmate”: Stalker
“Young at heart”: Old hag

Here is a type I am not sure I am fond of…the funny face pic.  I know it sorta says “I am cool and comfortable enough with myself to make a really stupid face and show it to the world.”  But maybe it is because they are hiding something?

Getting cancelled on television was a blessing in disguise for Domenico Nesci.  The outgoing and often outspoken 26-year-old from Milan, Italy, endeared himself to fans during his stint as a Speedo-wearing contestant on MTV’s “A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila,” though he failed to win over Tequila.

Still, MTV saw potential in Nesci and made him the star of a spin-off, “That’s Amore,” in which 15 women from across America fight for his attention by facing off in such challenges as spaghetti-wrestling matches. It premieres 10 p.m. EST Sunday.

“It’s probably the most romantic show on TV, so crazy, dramatic and very very funny - Italian style,” Nesci told The Associated Press. “I use all my heart, all my feelings; whatever I have, I give it all.”  He said he has lots of amore to give.

“It’s not about impressing with, ‘Look, I’ll buy you this, I’ll buy you that,’ it’s much more about, like, how can you make a woman feel? I am much more for feelings. I’m much more for letting people feel special,” he explained.  As for Tequila, Nesci harbours no ill will. He said he was sad when the bisexual Internet star eliminated him, but respects her decision: “You can’t go against that.”

“That’s Amore” will feature another Tequila cast-off, Ashley McNeely, playing the role of Nesci’s adviser - or “consigliere.” “He knows much more about the American culture,” Nesci said of the self-proclaimed “redneck.” So watch out everyone here comes Domenico!

This is not to be confused with dating whoopie which is good.

I was out on a double date (first date) and while the two gals were chatting away I was reminiscing with my friend Jason, we were talking about when we were kids and we used to buy those little black gobstoppers that changed colors when you sucked them.  I turned to my date and asked, do you like black balls?  Whoops, bam, smack…she slapped me across the face and then her and her friend left and never answered my phone calls for an apology.  Anyways the moral of this story is quite obvious, think before you speak and the question, do you like ‘black balls’, is not appropriate for a first date.

Black Balls
Old fashiopned black balls in that great licorice jawbreaker taste. The centre of these ones contain a hard pressed licorice powder. Also see aniseed blackballs in the British section if you are looking for the ones with a little seed in the middle.

You see a gorgeous girl (or guy) and open up the profile to learn that it is not her (or his) profile but a friends.  Darn it all, should you still contact them hoping to find a way to ask about their friend?